Living with Me

This is me about 4 months ago, in February...doing sharing time. I dressed up as our "Super Hero", Super Right! I loved Primary, the primary kept me going!

I was released 2 Sundays ago as Primary president and now I feel pretty lost. I miss the kids and their smiles...I miss the love shared in Primary.

This is me now...

People keep asking for an update and here it is. I am tired...wired...fired! Tired is as tired is, wired with what nows- ie now what with Spencer, now what do we do job wise, now what?!  and fired from Primary! LOL... So doing great!

PHYSICAL

Ok, so most know that I just finished a 7 month battle with my gall bladder in which I believe I won. The Dr cut it out so I think that makes me on top...right? I am tired and sore from the surgery and the Dr says I need to take one more easy week before getting into anything "exciting" ie exercise. My belly is bloated and grew at least 4 inches around the waist. Guess they cut the muscles holding all the flab together, dag gum! Anyway I love to eat again which doesn't help the waist situation but is much nicer to live with. It is so nice not to have to force yourself to eat, then pain through the next 2 hours of digestion. First 30 minutes pain, sweating, falling to your knees pain and then bathroom recovery they next 90 minutes. Can't tell you how excited I am to have THAT out of the way. Sorry toilet I know you miss me at dinner time but really we became too close.

EMOTIONAL

I started on the journey with my counselor to find out what happened, why Brandee is wired the way Brandee is. It was...there are no words. I am still working on it all...it was the hardest thing I have ever done. One thing I was encouraged to do was read a book Secrets by Blaine Yorgansen and Sunny Oaks. This in and of itself was no easy task. You see the book is a horrid book about abuse, all of it. Sexual, physical, emotional and every kind of abuse you can imagine and a new Bishop finds out it is all happening in his own ward and his own wife is suffering from skeletons in her closet. I hate the book for just a book's sake. It was far more dirt than anyone can handle in one book but it is a tool. This tool was something I needed. It taught me alot about why I do the things I do and why have become me. It was hard to keep reading but there was healing in it. Here are my most favorite quotes...things that really taught me....

"Because the pain and horror of the abuse is so great, they separate themselves mentally from the experience. They go into a form of denial where they can't admit, even to themselves, that their experience is real. In fact, in their minds it is not real. It becomes something that happens to another person whom they really don't know. Thus they may see the abuse happening but from a distance, and to someone else, even while they are in the middle of the actual experience."

"There is no such thing as "worse" abuse. We cannot say that one person was abused "worse" than another. The reason for that, is that no two people are alike. Everyone reacts differently to circumstances, and they have a right to do so. So, one person might be totally traumatized by a single experience with fondling, while another may recover quite rapidly from an extremely violent rape. To say to a victim who is recovering, "but your abuse was not all that bad" puts the victim in the position if trying to defend his or her own experiences, which is completely counter productive to healing."

This one made the whole book worth reading, it was a light of inspiration and peace to my soul, lighting strike to my brain and brought much understanding.

"That could be because a part of her still doesn't know she can trust you, or maybe even trust herself. Bishop, this is hard for a lot of people to comprehend. But somewhere inside each of these victims is an emotional self who was never able to grow up-mature. That child-like emotional self is very powerful, and if he or she feels in the least bit threatened, that part will control what the adult self actually does....When I counsel with people who have been abused, I encourage them throughout their healing to seek Christ and become new creatures through His atonement. I encourage them to seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion. Additionally, and this is pretty important, I encourage them never to seek to blame someone else or some incident for the problems they are having."

SPIRITUAL

FAITH-HOPE-LOVE-ENDURING PROMISES

I am studying faith and hope. They go hand in hand. I feel like the prayers are being answered and we are being blessed at this time. I really believe that when all is ready we will find Spencer a job and I can go back to my favorite thing in the world...full time mom. We are praying and fasting. I know God has a plan. It includes my getting help with this counselor at this time and me working at the hospital to cover bills as my body has broken. God has been good to us and I want you to know, I know that. Between the constant begging for something more I know that I have been taken care of and that is enough right now. I love you all. Be strong!

One small step today, one Giant step for My Future

Today I went and told my counselor, "I am ready." I am ready to work through the event that led to my PTSD. The road ahead is ugly, I know it will get worse uncovering and living through it all again but this time there is light at the end of my tunnel. I got some "homework" to make sure that my coping skills are good enough for the journey that I am about to embark on. I believe that I am getting help at the right time, with the right person, at the right place and finally for the right reason. It took me 6 weeks to make it about me. I am doing this for ME. I am ready, scared and hope to face this head on. Pray for my strength, pray for my spirit and above all pray for my future...pain free and healing. I love you all.

"Coping Skills"

Ok so here I am back on the dreaded couch and I tell my counselor, "Look our last session," (which I did not blog about because it was horrific and took a week just to recover from) "SUCKED! I cried the whole rest of that day and was really mad then sad for a whole week. So we can NOT talk about that. I want to talk about things that can help me when I get to the point where I feel the anxious and overwhelming feeling that takes over."

This feeling...the only way to describe it is the feeling that covers me like a plastic body bag in which there is no release. I try to breath but it just makes it harder to breath. I am completely heavy and my chest is like a bear is sitting on it... it is just so...un"bear"able. LOL

So we talked about coping skills. So she asked "Well what do you do now?" I talked about my deep "angry" breathing that makes me both feel and hear myself breath so I know that it can't overcome me but it does. Then I talked about prayer. I try really hard to plea with my Father in Heaven but the problem is I just start blaming Him for everything, "Why aren't you helping? Why is this so hard and hurts so bad? Please, please just take the pain away, please, WHERE ARE YOU?" I don't expect Him to really answer like... talking to me face to face like Moses but I want that "peaceful feeling" (which of course when you are in the gall of bitterness and you are "cursing" God there is no peace.) So I went on and told her about this and she said she had some ideas. She said she wanted to talk about the 5 senses. When things get hairy and I feel the anxiety start to come I am supposed to hone in on my 5 senses. So I tried it out...I was feeling really overwhelmed and my chest started to get heavy and I felt the anxiousness getting out of control. I took myself out of the room I was in and went and sat on the couch. Ok here I go...Smell my sense of smell I take a few deep breaths and all I can smell is freakin' dirty diapers, REALLY!! Why can't people just take the stupid dirty diaper out and NOT stink up my house. Back up I need to be relaxing with my 5 senses...let's try sight. I open my eyes to another mess. All the dirty socks from the day scattered around, a dirty diaper lay on the floor, school papers graffiti the floor. My blood boils, my heart races WHERE THE HECK is the PEACE in my senses. I try again, come on Brandee think, listen to the things around you, focus on that. All I can hear is the dishwasher that sounds like a hurricane and a suddle yet very distinct knocking and thud accompanying and then the basement tenants music. REALLY!!!!! Somethings going to break and I will have to wash the dishes by hand NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My anxiety is through the roof. I can't even think, wait...feel, touch. I place both my hands on the couch and spread them out. I hit crumb after crumb after crumb. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! Is this an exercises to induce an episode or prevent.

I am defeated, I can't even remember the 5th sense. I fall on my knees and plead, "I am trying to get help and this is where I am! I am more angered and frustrated, please God don't give up on me. I need you, please don't give up on me."

I told my counselor this week that the 5 sense things really didn't go over so good, what do ya'll think?? I needed something else. We talk about my relentless dreams and how they are always the same. I guess I am going to try and rewrite my dream's ending and see if I can get my subconscious to do the same. It is worth a try. Any one have a nightmare that won't go away? Well write it down in as much detail as possible as if you are in the moment, then change the ending. See if your dreams change...I hope mine do!

Today Sucks

Having a hard day. Worked too much this week and hate the thought of the next week. Cleaned the kitchen, paid bills and now I am more depressed than ever. Dang stupid money. I once heard that if you have money you love it, if you don't you hate it. I think I hate it either way. Makes people go crazy. If only we could just be that perfected people that share what we have excess and take ONLY what we need. Freak I am tired, tired of life, tired of money and just flat out tired.

When you don't give up, you can not fail!

I'm gonna make it!

Happy Gratitude: a new "prescription" I am trying to work on, I found it in a book at the library. You are challenged to start a daily journal of something that made you happy that day and something that you are grateful for. Yesterday I got a raise, that made me happy and grateful. I really hope that this stuff makes me feel happy, oh happy gratitude.

Rx: Counseling

I broke down, did what the Dr prescribed. I went and saw a new counselor today. I must tell you I was not in the best of moods. Dread pure, dread all morning. I hate counselors for numerous reasons but know that this could help and that my family/ Dr really think this will help...I went. Here is my story, laugh, cry and freakin' throw something out the window eh?

The "First" Visit

So I was anything but excited, great here we go, another round of who are you and why are you here? I hate that. The Drs already give them a brief on you and what they "think" your problem is and what you should be able to accomplish but the counselors act stupid anyway.

Ok so I leave the house, don't know where I am going, I have an address and some idea of where it is but heck lets get lost and make this even funner right? Well I did. I find this building that says "Center Counseling" and that is the name of this lovely little place I am going to. I stop, park and go in. I am and know I am in the right spot. The receptionist opens the window and says, "Are you Brandee?" I must be the only newbie today. "Yeah."

Then the stack of papers: first who are you, then what's wrong with you (ie medical diagnosis), moving on to "what would you like to accomplish here at counseling?" My answer to the last, "I would like to leave actually accomplishing something, anything; that has never happened in therapy for me before. Also I would like to not hate you when I leave." Honest, upfront and I think it gets the point across. Finally I finish the novel they want. I turn it in. Now the moment I dread. They call my name and I get to go in. She hands me my papers for the counselor to review. I take them with me. There is my counselor...a woman! Great of all that is holy why a woman? I distinctly remembering telling the person setting this up that I hate women counselors, bad experience. Oh well. We walk into the room. There it the big couch, big ol pillows and oh, look how nice a big box of Kleenex in the middle. My eyes blur, the tears have started. I hate the Kleenex, it started the tears. Here I am again completely exposed, I sit and quickly grab the pillow. I have to have something between us. I need a barrier, a protection. I know it's probably unfair to both of us but I just created a wall. I would really just like to crawl up with this big pillow and take a nap right now. Oh, that would be lovely. She reaches for the dreaded freakin' notebook, I instantly freeze up. Really already? There I am on the yellow notebook, black and yellow. A bunch of scribbled notes and "impressions." I have the feeling to walk out an then she starts with "So tell be about your discomfort with counselors?" Poor lady just opened a big ol can of worms. I contemplate, should it be bold blatant honesty or a sugar laced doughnut? "Well, I hate your freakin' notebook. I hate that to you, I am a bunch of scribbles to "figure out." I hate that the couch that is supposed to make me comfortable and most of all I hate being told that I just need to do "something"/ anything and all will magically be better." She immediately turns and put down the pad and pen. "Would you like to sit in a chair?" I laugh, I like her. We spend the next hour with get to know you crap. I keep staring out the window and watch some geese. I really wish I was a goose and could be crappin' on the carpet, couch and Kleenex. We do not even touching the surface of my problems/ issues or why I am there. I liked that. She was trying to see me, who I am. Then at the very end she said, "Why are you here? What do you want to accomplish here in counseling?" I think about the million things that are "wrong" with me but there is ONE big thing. The tears flow freely now, I finally look her straight in the eye, "I want the pain to go away." That's it, there is nothing more to say, I sob for the next few minutes and then I walk out. I wonder if I am strong enough for this, if I can really pull through and not shut down. Oh, Lord please help me because I really just want the pain to go away...

Pills, Pills and more Pills!! UHHHHH

So if there is one thing I hate more than anything else it is pills. I hate that I need them. I hate that they help. I hate that it is such a small little thing full of chemicals to alter my chemicals. I hate the bottles they come in. I hate the advisory leaf let. I hate it!!! Everyone who has struggled with this knows that as soon as we start feeling better we ditch the pills. The pills are this constant reminder that I am not "right". Stupid little pills are something I have to depend on, I hate it. I hate the serious withdraws that occur within 24 hours because I am on such a "high dose." The withdraw that reminds me I am not "normal." FREAK!!! I know people understand this, they've been here to. I can't even count on my hands how many times I have tried to do it on my own and we end up in a much worse spot than we were. I mean, I HATE PILLS. It is so degrading to walk in to the bathroom every morning and the first thing I grab is the pills, the "happy" pills. I try to laugh and joke but really it sucks. I thank my Father in Heaven for the research and development of something so small that keeps me alive and with my family, don't get me wrong I am grateful. I just want to vent about this. Life is hard and with this illness it is unbearable without medication, therapy and desire, the desire to live. I have had to take a lot of the PRN or "as needed pills." "As needed" that right there is something...as needed. When the robot body you live in starts to malfunction above the constant medication it is given please insert one of these! Yeah, great, thanks! I don't know but I wish I could just say a prayer and feel better. I wish I could have rosy days with sweet smells and sunshine and that would be it. I wish that I could be without the pills. It is like a leash that never lets you forget your "problem." I opened my bottle the other day and just stared, in a perfect world these would not exist, in that perfect kingdom I am shooting for these won't be there. In that perfect world I am trying so desperately to obtain I won't be broken. I will always hate pills, they make me feel weak.

Dear Pills,

I know you create balance, but I hate you.
I know that you do good, but I hate you.
I know that you make life bearable, but I hate you.
I know that you were made to help, but I hate you.
I know that you are always there and I hate you.
I know you save my life and I hate you.
I know worst of all that I need you and I hate you even more.
BUT
Thank you for being there.
Thank your creator for giving me you.
Thank you for every smile I catch with my kids.
Thank you for all the dark you take away.
Thank you for letting me function.
Thank you for taking away the pain.
Thank you for letting me LIVE.

Yours Truly,
Brandee

Pills suck, they are apart of this. They help bring that balance. Pills help me be the wife and mother I know I can and hope to be. Pills are what keep the evil thoughts and ideas put away. Pills are giving life to those that otherwise would be gone and for that I thank you. I will continue to take my pills because people count on me. I will take my pills because my body is broken but not my soul. The pills allow my spirit to be free and be the person I want to be. I am not a shell, I am not just a broken body. There is a lively, loving soul in there happy to be alive even with her pills.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

I never know what I am going to get.


Each morning is another drama. Each morning I wake up and go out my bedroom door and see a sign I made, Did you think to PRAY? Then I go to the bathroom and wish that the mirror didn't quite reflect how I feel. I think that we should have a picture of us beautified so that we don't have the desire and I might add "instinct" to go crawl back in bed...no one sees me there. I quick brush through and start the breakfast wars, then the get your hiney out the door war and then finally it is 8:45am and Bowen and I are totally alone. The house is quiet and all I want to do is...SLEEP! Freak I just want to sleep and enjoy the world where I don't feel. But there is Bowen, sweet smiley Bowen. Bowen has been super cuddly lately. I don't know why but I love it. He gives real hugs now and my favorite is when he clasps his arms around my neck and starts making a lip smacking noise. His way of kissing, an instant smile to my lips. I sure love you, Bubba. I realize that the "wars" are all worth it and that without "wars" I would be alone. My children are my universe and I think a big part of my sadness. I feel like they deserve better, they deserve that peppy mom that I always wanted to be. The one who stays home, has play dates and brings friends over all the time. The problem is I am afraid. I am afraid that people will see me, people who don't understand. I realized that I am afraid of letting people down. People I know and people I don't. I am afraid of having friends because so many have left me. I know some are there and they call and I love them still, but it hurts to lose a friend 800 miles away. This week I have thought why can't I have a bunch of friends. Why can't I enjoy the people around me? I am afraid. It is horrible what fear will do to you. Right now we are in a ward that we probably won't be in much longer, 2-8 months, who knows. We want to buy a house and "upgrade." And being in Primary I haven't really met anyone to hang out with so I think that might be good too. I am just sad, I got to get over it! Brandee, get over it! Think of all the things I am missing! My sister keeps having girl parties and I turn them down, don't want to feel like an outcast, you know. NO MORE! I am going to have girlie parties! I deserve it! I am going to have friends. Friends are important and vital. I mean one of the divine roles of the Savior is Friend. He knows better than anyone how to be a friend. I have been studying that and I need to be that friend. I need friends. That is all there is to it. Friends enrich your life and lift you when you can not walk. This last week I have talked to my best friend twice and it really helped. My sister took me out twice. Thank you! Thanks to my friends. And sorry to those I have pushed away, it seemed easier that way. I love you! I miss you! Be happy.